21 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
Honestly…
I feel like:
1. God sometimes looks at me, shakes his head and thinks, “Honestly, child, people say you’re intelligent. But they haven’t seen you in action.” Or something like that.
2. Angels wonder what He sees in us (in me). Like, do they ever look at us and go : “Seriously? The Father decided to make them His sons, and co-heirs with the Son? Like, these not-so-intelligent people are going to judge us someday? And we actually have to serve them? Oh dear.”
Not saying that He’s mean, or anything… but if even I have seen how silly I can be… just imagine what He sees.
Honestly… over the past several weeks, I have been a yo-yo. For example, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to church depressed, and then left depressed, and positively about-to-drown in self-pity. Today, I was depressed in the morning, okay just before church, then depressed after church.
Normally, I’m one of those annoyingly-always-happy people.
Now… I should probably be quoting Nehemiah 8:10… but… maybe I’m just lazy. It’s so bad, part of me thinks someone else wrote my other happy-happy-I-love-the-Lord-so-much blog posts. For a short while, I kept telling Him “I’m tired. I don’t think You really want me to be saying that, but, I’m tired.” Singing from my heart was difficult to impossible. At least, I thought it was. Also tired of fasting. Honestly… there were a lot of reasons to dig a pit, fill it with self-pity and sit down there. And then turn the pit into a swimming pool, fill it with more self-pity, and do a nice, leisurely backstroke in it. And I’ve been doing that for a while.
Because… I’ve had an ISSUE. Well, He doesn’t see it that way. He sees it as an obstacle I can totally handle. I’m trying to see it that way too. 
. So… this issue has been there for… almost a year now. I have cried, wept, begged Him to take it away… and then had Him tell me He’d do it… through me. It’s like, our little project.
I should be happy that He’s been so kind, and reassuring… and there have been a few rebukes along the way… and I really want it to be over… but the problem is always on my side of the inequality/equation, so… 
And I realized today: I am grateful that I’ve survived the past almost-one-year. Everyone’s thorn-in-my-side is different, probably customized.
I used to think I would be celibate. Now I don’t really care. BTW, this has nothing to do with the last few paragraphs. 
I just… I think this post is more… human, than my other posts, sort of.
It’s funny. I got to a point where I realized I didn’t even know why I was still showing up at church, choir practice and Bible Study. It didn’t have very much to do with Him any more. It was just… duty. And, habit. And, not wanting to answer too many questions about why I wasn’t in church. And crying in church, not because I was having an encounter with the LORD, but because I was tired, depressed, and feeling sorry for myself.
And I think I should admit that at this point, I don’t know who Jesus is to me. I’ve heard, read, been through ___ in the past few months. A lot of it is probably my fault. But. I laugh in Hungarian, like my friends would say. I need to start fasting again, yay. God broke my previous record, YAY! But now… I kinda want to set a new record… but I’m not sure that it’s “the point”, per se.
Apparently, now is when I need to stand on His Word(s).
I have a test tomorrow… I was actually contemplating not going for it… but now I’m staying awake the whole night… I don’t think it’s a good thing to do, but I do it every-now-and-then, nonetheless.
I know. He’s always there. He does not lie nor repent. I have A LOT to be thankful for. I’m just… wanting this chapter to end. :S
